The Popularity Illusion

And so, Summer is almost over.  
We have holidayed, travelled and festivaled. 
We have forgotten that there is such a thing as work or school .
Forgotten that there are unpleasant tasks to do and unlikely deadlines to meet.

We have indulged in all things pleasurable and absolved ourselves of as many responsibilities as possible.

Despite the rain ( it is England after all! ) we have managed to have a good time.

But if you are a teenager, there is one thing you can be sure about: however good a time you've had, the "populars" have had a better one.

You will know this from the thousands of photos they have released into the virtual ether.

You will know this from the thousands of photos they have released into the virtual ether.

There is not a moment they have enjoyed that hasn't been photoed and shared with anyone who's interested and many who aren't.  

If there is no photo or snapchat story, how can they prove how popular they really are?

Without a visual record, how can they show the world what a hectic social life they lead, just how in demand they are?

Photos at parties, on holidays, at home or at friends' houses. 

Photos in front of a mirror looking handsome or beautiful,fully-dressed, half-dressed, almost completely undressed.. photos in the garden, in the park, on the pavement, in a cafe, doing something, doing nothing with ALL their friends, ALL the time.

The most important thing is that they can show the world just how beautiful and fantastic and popular they are.
And so they take a photo to prove they are physically there although I can't help wondering where they are emotionally as they view the world through their telephone lens.

Can't help wondering if they actually know how to enjoy the now.

If your "present" is constantly viewed through the lens of a camera, are you really living it?

And if you are under so much pressure to show the world what a good time you are having, are you really having a good time at all?

Life becomes not so much experiencing and enjoying as proving and evidencing.

And where's the life in that?

Where's the letting go and embracing the moment because it's simply yours and perfect ?Where's the time to forget and dream?
Where are you in all of this perfectly popular life?

At the beginning of the summer holidays, way back when summer still lay before us full of promise and the possibility of unrainy days, my  7 year old niece and 10 year old nephew came to stay.

" Do you have a boy friend?" my niece asked our 17 year old daughter, Mia.

" No,' replied Mia.

For a moment my niece stared into space, wrinkling her nose, then turning back to Mia, she asked:

" Oh...does that mean you're not popular then?"

Mia (17) and her cousin Neela (7)

At  7 years old, my niece already believes in the absolute importance of being "popular." 

It was a theme both she and my nephew returned to throughout their stay.

Worried for their cousins that they might not be popular enough, worried that if they are not, then happiness, love and all that is important in life will elude them forever.
When did it started, this confusion between being " popular," and being "happy"?
Because they are definitely not the same thing.
And when did being one of the " beautiful, trend-following, characterless, never-daring-to-be-different" people become more important than standing out in the crowd,being true to yourself and following your dreams?
When did being clever and thoughtful, compassionate and kind, stop being qualities worth valuing?
Because what the popular crowd rarely seem to do, is care about each other.
There is no room for " caring."
That wouldn't leave enough time for stealing each other's partners, or having a better, more wild time than everyone else.
There's no point in being "popular" unless you are constantly trying to be the-most-popular.
Life becomes a  constantly, exhausting competition to show the world how amazing your life is.
If you are a girl, you must never appear cleverer than a boy, never show that you care and never admit if you have stayed at home and studied or read a book.
If you are a boy you must never commit to anything more than 5 minutes in the future, never show too much enthusiasm and never admit you actually like someone or leave home without hair gel in you pocket.
The most important thing is to have FUN all the time.
There is no room for introversion, for sitting at home doing nothing, for chillin' and just being.
Where's the selfie op in that?

I'd be lying if I said there wasn't the cool versus " square and boring" divide when I was a teenager.
Lying if i pretended there wasn't an invisible dividing our sixth form common room (and yes, I was on the square and boring side).
Lying to say I didn't feel triumphant when, at one of our parties, the doorbell rang and standing on the doorstep were some of the "cool and trendy" crowd begging to come in.
I would also be lying if I said I didn't make them grovel for a while before saying yes.
But I did say yes... and maybe that was part of the difference between us and them.
But even with the divide, everything was less exhausting then.
There were no mobile phones, no Facebook or Snapchat.
When we went home we could close the door and for a while we could just be. 
We could spend all evening in our pyjamas doing nothing and the next day... no one would know.
Our lives were not the 24 hour, voyeuristic social networking fest that being a teenager is today.
And for that I am eternally grateful.
Because all this pressure to be popular or all this anxiety about not being popular enough, takes its toll.
Something is rotten in the heart of our socially networked adolescent world when, according to an article in The Guardian last week: 

Almost half of British girls aged 17 to 21 have needed help with their mental health........

According to mental health charity YoungMinds, between 2001 and 2011 there was a 77% increase in hospital admissions of women under 25 due to self-harm.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/womens-blog/2015/aug/24/there-is-an-urgent-need-to-update-adult-thinking-to-catch-up-with-the-reality-of-teenagers-lives

So when my strong-willed, vivacious 7 year old niece worried about whether or not her teenage cousin was popular or not, I wanted to grab her by the hand and run away with her.
I wanted to take her to the beach and let her feel the sand between her toes.
I wanted to sit with her and watch the sun setting over the ocean.

East Wittering sunset

I wanted to tell her that this was enough, a perfect moment shared by only her and me.

A secret that the rest of the world knew nothing of.
I wanted to tell her stories of princesses who were only truly beautiful when no one was looking because only then could they really be themselves.
" Being popular is an illusion," I wanted to say, " it's transitory and when it's over you will be left feeling empty, uncertain and lonely, unsure of who you are or what you want or how to dream. Live in the moment, enjoy what you have."
But my niece is full of the wisdom and confidence that only a 7 years old can have.
And I know how old-fashioned and irrelevant my words would seem.
She would try to listen but already her mind would be wondering and flicking her long, dark curls behind her shoulder, giving her most winning smile she would point at my phone and say:
" Auntie Becky, can I take a selfie?"

Empty nesting

Last week I visited Manchester University with our 17 year old daughter, MIa.
While Mia went to a " student-life," talk, I went to a " help for soon-to-be-bereft parents," lecture.
 After we had been told about applying for loans, setting up bank accounts, filling in forms, teaching our chilldren how to cook, turn on washing-machines and do-all-thosa-other-things-we-never-actually-make-them-do-at-home lessons, a picture of an empty bird's nest was flashed up on the screen in front of us.

Lowering her voice to one that was calming and soothing, rather  than chatty and informative, the speaker gave us  empathetically meaningful looks and said:
" Last of all,  I want to talk about, empty nest syndrome."
Around me parents shifted uncomfortably in their seats as though their secret had been discovered.
Next to me a mum turned and stared wistfully out of the grey-sky filled window.
And for the first time in the hypnotically tedious talk ( and mostly due to the words "last of all,") I woke up.
Empty nest syndrome is not something that  I"ve ever seriously considered.
I've dreamt of a day when our house is not scattered with teenage clutter - used make-up wipes, discarded clothes, half-drunk smoothies, unattached phone chargers, sweaty socks
I've imagined a house that is as tidy when I get home from work in the evening as it was when I left for work in the morning.
I've fantasised about not being constantly asked what's for dinner or why there is never anything good to eat in our house.
I've let my mind wander to a time when I can  go a whole day without someone demanding where their T-shirt, new jeans, PE kit, lip stainer,  homework or anything-else-that-belongs-to-them, is.
But I've never actually thought about how I will feel when the house is teenagerless and empty.t
For years, my husband Ninesh and I, have been making plans about what we will do when we are free.
How we will spend our time when our days are no longer shaped around parenthood,.
 What we would do with the days when the hours belong to us...
We are already thinking about which camper van we will buy.
Ninesh has already started pouring over maps, planning the route of our carefree future.
But as I sat in that university lecture room in Manchester, I began to worry.
Not so much at the sense of emptiness I would obviously soon be feeling, but at the thought that I might not feel empty enough.
From the moment our children take their first steps, they are walking away from us.
As a parent, it's hard  to watch them fall and even harder to watch them struggling to pull themselves up again.
With every bone in your body, you are aching to do it for them, to pick them up, give them a comforting hug and set them back on their feet,  heading in the right direction.
But deep down inside, we know we have to let them do it by themselves.
Being a parent is never easy.
You never stop feeling guilty, never stop believing you're doing it wrong, never stop wishing you had more  
patience, more time, more energy, more understanding of text speak.
The best gifts we can give our children are a sense of self-worth and self-belief and help them to become independent thinkers.
Washing and cleaning they can learn the hard way, knowing they can manage without you is not so easy.
Life is full of false-starts and obstacles that trip us up and holes that we fall down.
As a parent we can't make sure that the path to our children's future is completely smooth, we won' always be there to pick them up and it's not our job to make their decisions for them.
All we can do is be the safety net that is always there to catch them when they fall and give them the courage to keep on trying.
All we can do is be there when they need us and step back when they don't.

" It's strange," said one of my friends whose son is just finishing his second year at university, " I've only just realised that he has his own life now, that we are no longer the centre of his life, that when he plans his Summer, his holidays, his future, we are not what he thinks about.. It's odd not knowing what he' s doing. But when I think about it, once I left home, I never told my parents anything."
And I think, maybe, more than an empty nest,,a tidy house (in my dreams!), that's what I will find strange.
Up until now it's always felt like Ninesh and I are the roots and our children are the shoots.
It's hard to think of them growing completely separate from us with shoots of their own, hard to imagine completely disentangled lives.
Of course my kids don't tell me everything, probably they mostly tell me nothing, but I know where they are, how they  spend their time, what's important to them.
It's hard to think of them out in the world on their own with friends we've never met, with people who are more important to them than us,dreams we might not understand, living in worlds that are part of a different universe.
It's hard to imagine.
But it's life.
And we have to let them go.
Even if it's not quite far enough away for them.
Because even if they are inhabiting other universes, escape is almost impossible in this modern hyper-connected world.
There's  Facebook and Snapchat and Instant Messenger and Instagram and sos and lol and tybtw
Sometimes I feel almost sorry for today's teenagers. 
Where can they hide?

"Being Facebook "unfriended" by both your children: it's like the 21st century equivalent of empty nest syndrome."
wrote my friend Cath the other day.
And she's right. 
Empty cyber-space is beginning to feel more like an empty nest than an unused bedroom.

But truthfully, I don't think it's knowing that social media is making the world a smaller place or that mobile phones mean that our children are hardly ever out of contactable reach, that's is stopping me from feeling sad.
Life is a big adventure and  standing on it's very edge, our children are just beginning to spread their wings.
I'm excited and happy ( and just a little bit jealous) that they have it all before them.
And our job is not to clip their wings but to help them fly.
And whether they like it or not, a little piece of my heart will always be flying with them! 

So while our kids get ready to pack their bags and flee the nest,  Ninesh and I are off to look at camper vans because I can't help feeling that the future's just about to catch up with us ...and it's always best to be prepared.