Saying goodbye

It's strange leaving somewhere.
I have one more month of work to go.
I am so excited about the new beginning ahead of me, the blank page bursting with potential, that I sometimes forget to be sad about the goodbyes I have started to say.
" I'll  miss you Becky," said one of our volunteers with special needs as I said goodbye to her yesterday, " Will you miss me?"
" Of course I will," I said distractedly.
" And will you buy a duck to sleep in your bed when you leave?" she asked, " I like ducks."

And suddenly I wasn't distracted anymore.
I was really sad.
Because I am truly going to miss her.
And not just her but the multi-coloured patchwork of characters who pass through the doors of our Children's Centre.
Endings are always strange and saying goodbye is never easy.

I remember meeting one of my university friends as were walking into the common room of the German Department.  
She couldn't talk because her mouth was so full of chocolate.
" Are you like me?" she asked, when she had finally swallowed.
I looked at her, tall, blonde, model-like beautiful.
" I don't think so," I said.
 " I mean, are you one of those people who, if you are eating a bar of chocolate and you know you are going into a room with lots of people, you stuff the rest of the bar into your mouth so you don't have to share it. I think the world is divided into 2 types of people," she explained, " chocolate-sharers and chocolate-face-stuffers. Which are you? "
I tried to kid myself that I was a chocolate sharer but I think the truth is, I would just have bought the chocolate a lot earlier so that I had finished it a long time before I had to consider sharing.
But in the same way as the world is divided into chocolate-sharers and chocolate-face-stuffers, I think it is divided into 2 types of goodbye-sayers:
Those who make it take as long as possible, prolonging the final moment, shedding tears. scattering words, turning back for one last wave and those who make it as quick as possible and walk away without a backward glance.
Usually I am a walker-awayer.
Not because I won't be sad or because I won't miss everything I am leaving behind.
But because goodbyes are not really about the moment of parting.
They are about the ending of shared memories, the loss of a passing comment that brings a smile to your lips, the emptiness of the space where your friend should have been.
And that is too big to be captured in just one moment.
Life is a constantly changing book and saying goodbye is just the end of one chapter.
In front of you is the next page.
And if you spend too long saying goodbye, you might get writers block and never move on.
Life is for living, not standing still.
And the time you have spent working in a place with people you care about is a memory to be treasured and polished until is shines, not tarnished with tears.

"What we call the beginning is often the end
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from."
From " Little Giddings," by TS Elliot

So I know that in a few weeks, on my very last day of work, when I walk through those sliding doors for the very last time, it will be without a backward glance.
Not because I don't care but because I care so much.
But I know it's the right thing to do and the right time to do it.
It's time to hand over the Children's Centre that I have helped to create to someone else
with new ideas, new dreams.
Time to let it go and watch it fly.
And I will be walking towards a new future full of hopes and dreams.
And on the way, I will pick up a bar of chocolate.
Because for a while, at least, I won't have to pretend to be a chocolate sharer!