Inter-cultural sauna riots

So it is half term holidays in England and our extended family (15 of us) are back in Gran Canaria, the closest most of us will ever be to paradise.
In the last week of October the skies here are still blue and cloudless, the sun still full of Summer heat and the sand still warm between our toes.
We spend our days gourging ourselves on immoral amounts of delicious food, working out the best location for our sunbeds  and making sure nothing interrupts our hours of serious relaxation.
3 minutes from the hotel the sea sparkles invitingly.
 But is hard to leave the luxurious pool side comfort of the hotel.

And when the swimming gets too boring for  our teenage boys there is tennis or boules or table tennis to enjoy.
We are exhausted by our over- indulgence
And at 4 o'clock every day, it's sauna time.
And that's when the trouble starts.
Because isn't there always trouble in paradise?
It began with a row about clothes.
Too many clothes, in fact
Which is strange because the most clothes any of us are wearing all day is  2 pieces of a bikini - and sometimes those just look like tiny handkerchiefs held together by thin threads.
But apparently for the sauna even this is too much.
Sitting innocently in the sauna in their trunks and bikinis, our extremely-body-aware 16 year old son and nephew and 18 year old daughter and niece, were suddenly shouted at  very loudly by a complete stranger more than twice their age.
"Take your clothes off right now," he yelled.
Now in England, a naked man in his late 40s telling  an 18 year old girl or a 16 year old boy to  take off  their clothes, would probably be arrested.
But apparently in a sauna in Gran Canaria, it is completely acceptable.
" I don't like being naked in front of strangers,"our daughter explained valiantly to the gathering sweat-dripping sauna audience " It makes me feel exposed and uncomfortable and vulnerable."
"In England we always wear swimsuits in saunas," said my sister-in-law.
But while shouting  at teenage girls is allowed in saunas,  challenging the received clothes-free German sauna wisdom is not.
Shaking with rage, the original shouter stormed out of the steam room, sprinkling those he passed with drops of angry sweat.
Inside the sauna the battle raged on, German and English words getting louder and louder.
" wearing cloth-es, it's not hygienic," shouted one large German woman, picking up her towel and leaving 2 buttocked-shaped patches of sweat on the bench.
Hostility and heat rising, we stood our swim-suited ground.
But the battle was only just beginning.
Before long the shouter returned, reinforced by yellow -shirted spa management.
" you must not wearing no swimsuits in sauna," she said, " for hygiene."
" for whose hygiene? " we asked.
" Yours," she explained.
" But we don't mind," we said.
She shrugged, already turning away, relieved she had delivered the required message. " tomorrow no cloth-es," she said as she retreated.
But outside the sauna doors the battle raged on.
As our daughter and niece walked towards the steam room, a tirade of angry words followed them and the shouting German blocked their way.
This was it.
Even the squawking emerald green parakeets couldn't compete with our inter-cultural clamour.
It was all out sauna war.
On the one side stood the Germans, dogmatically sure that they were right, that their rules were the only rules that could be applied, on the other side stood we English and Irish, self-righteously open- minded and certain of the injustice being done to us.
In a mixture of German and English we battled on.
"In Germany it is the law: no clothes in the sauna."
" But we are not in Germany. We are in Gran Canaria. In England we tell our teenage girls not to ask for trouble by sitting naked in front of strange men."
" can you not read what it says on the door?  Nudist area. WHAT DOES NUDE MEAN?"
"It means you don't have to wear clothes,  NOT no clothes allowed....."
" The hygiene, the hygiene..."
" Why is me sitting on a towel  in my swimsuit less hygienic for you than me sitting on a towel in no swim-suit ?"
Sauna rules appear to be a German religion, wearing clothes a human right!
It was clear that no one would win, clear that both sides believed they had the moral high ground.
Obviously the sauna is one place where there will be no European Union.
And if there is no hope in a sauna in The sun-filled paradise of Gran Canaria, what hope is there in colder, wetter Brussels?
We emerged  eventually from the no-clothes-necessary spa area.
Outside a crowd of curious  hotel guests was waiting happily to see who and what had caused the sauna riot.
Could it be that a spot of drama is just what paradise needs?

But in the end, however petty it may seem, I think it's sad.
Sad that one culture cannot respect another.
Sad that when perceiving the discomfort of others, people are unwilling to be flexible.
Sad that shouting at teenagers and children is still seen as a way to solve a problem.
Sad that today, with all the huge and terrible things that are happening in the world, we cannot make peace over the small and inconsequential ones.

In the end, we found a compromise of sorts.

It was agreed that the sauna would be opened earlier for sole use of us swim-suit wearing trouble makers and any non-swimsuit wearers who cared to join us, which they didn't.
A private session, a whole spa heated just for our family so that future unpleasant confrontations could be avoided.
Paradise is about nothing if it not keeping the superficial peace and maintaining the illusion of  harmony.
Perhaps it is only when you finally make it to Heaven that  bridges are truly built and peace is about shared solutions rather than compromise.
But I have this feeling that for my insistently swimsuit -wearing, sauna using family, Heaven is still a long way off.

And now I wonder, how many courses should I have for dinner...